“And amongst all these new responsibilities and changes in your life, at the back of your mind is the one thing you don’t feel you can say to anyone, something you won’t allow yourself to think because you’ve been told to think positively. She may die.”
“It was not until years later as I talked to other men that I shared the sorrow of shopping alone in a supermarket wondering if my shopping cart would only be half full in a few years.”
Cancer is a life-threatening illness, not a death sentence. But
the issue of mortality is there and should be acknowledged. A sanitised
view, that everything will be OK like thinking positively is considered
the right thing to do, but is not necessarily helpful.
It’s natural to fear that the woman you love may die
Breast cancer causes men fear and concern. You fear the cancer itself – that it may recur and most of all, that the woman you love may die. You might be concerned about dealing with her emotional disturbance and you might be concerned about her ability to bear children.
Psychiatrist Jane Turner on fear that the woman will die:
“I always ask partners this and to a man they say “Shit yeah!” (or similar), and the woman looks surprised because he hasn’t said that to her. Part of the magical thinking is that if I say it, it might happen. But she’s got breast cancer and he thinks she hasn’t thought she might die get real. Most women are touched that their partner feels this concern, and it helps to open communication about difficult issues, which we know promotes adjustment, and improves family functioning and adjustment of children.”
How to deal with it
Focus on quality of life, not on quantity. Get professional help, talk to someone, talk to each other, try speaking to your doctor, minister, priest or other spiritual advisor.
