“You can’t fix it but you can make it better.”
After the initial shock of “Why her?” came, “what can I do?”
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Get to grips with the subject – research it
As men, we like to get a handle on problems. That means you need information. Plenty is available. Look at all of the links on this site. Read, research, get a better understanding of what the disease is. Gather information about treatments, doctors, and complementary therapies and about what resources and services there are to help you.
Important note: You can’t assume the woman you love will provide the sort of facts that will give you the tools to help adjust. You also can’t assume that the woman you love will take in or understand everything her medical support team tell her. She is under significant stress. Make sure you go to meetings with her, and run through everything that was said again afterwards.
Discuss your findings with her. Make sure both of you know what is going on.
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Be the organised one
Keep a calendar of appointments and treatments, deal with financial and insurance issues. Keep track of the kids' routines and family matters.
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Go with her to the doctor – (if she wants you to)
You can provide support and you may be in a better position to make sense of the information from the consultation. Many women report feeling so shocked during consultations that they are unable to take everything in. Take a note pad, ask questions if you don’t understand.
Ask for help with practical things
Friends and family really want to help and will be grateful for a specific request like asking someone to pick the kids up from school or to make a meal to take home. Advice from men who have been through this experience is not to get 'proud', and say you can handle it. Accept all offers of help - it helps friends and family to deal with the illness if they can actively help. Help might mean asking a friend to call every couple of days, for example.
Take time out to be with her
Be around. Take time off work. Cut things down to be with the woman you love. You may feel it’s not fixing anything, but it is helping make it better. Asking for help from friends and family will free up your time.
Its OK to have fun and try to keep your life as normal as possible
Use humour and laugh when you can. Maintain a social life. Have a holiday. Adapt, don’t switch off.
Resume former activities as soon as possible but be aware that after completion of active treatment, women often feel the pressure to ‘get back to normal.’ This can cause distress or anger as they feel that their experience has been trivialised. In effect, the goal posts have shifted. You can still play the game, but the rules are different. By accepting that things are different, you can take the pressure off the woman you love and yourself.
Think ahead
Help prepare for hospital stays by organising books, tapes, or other items to make her stay more comfortable. Give her extra hugs and assurance. Take the kids out so she can rest.
Be realistic about your financial situation
There are new expenses to meet and there may have been a drop in family income. You don’t have to feel guilty if you are finding it tough. Communication is the key. Talk to employers and see what can be negotiated. Employers can’t offer to help if they don’t know what you are facing. Raise the issue with your doctor. There may be benefits you are entitled to. Also let your colleagues know what you are going through. They can be a source of help and support.
Celebrate treatment anniversaries and victories.
Acknowledge that she will be stressed around key anniversary times. Don’t ignore this, do something special to mark the date. Celebrate victories too.
