My Mother and breast cancer
Photo courtesy of Cumberland Newspaper
Interview with Alex - age 17 years
How old were you when your Mother was first diagnosed with breast cancer?
I was 13 years old.
How did you feel when you were told of the news?
I think for about 10 minutes, I was just in complete shock. It seemed very surreal and then it all kind of hit home and went basically downhill from there. I only told I think two people that day because it was a Friday and then I just gave myself the weekend to kind of come to grips with it.
How did your friends react to the news? Was it scary telling them?
Oh, definitely because they had no idea how to react either so it made it seem very real telling them. There was silence for about 30 seconds after I blurted it out and then, they actually just started talking about other things. I don't think they could really deal with it at the time, it was awkward.
One of the hardest parts about telling people is the look on their face immediately after, it scares you a lot because they look so scared for you and you try not to think about the possibility that, well, yes she might not be able to be there for me in a year's time or so - she might die.
Did you talk to your school friends about it again?
No, not really because I felt basically let down by their initial reactions, so I didn't really discuss it with them again. This was OK with me though because I needed a place where it wasn't around me all the time. I'd go home and mum would be sick and the I'd go to school and I didn't really want to think about it, it was my escape.
Tell us what was going on at home? What was it like in the house and in the family?
Well, it stressed everyone out a lot so there was a lot of tension a lot of the time and people's tempers became a lot shorter. It was hard because I had to work, I had to fit in a lot more homework and caring for my mum started to cut into my spare time. I couldn't do as much and I got pretty frustrated - all I wanted to be was a normal teenager, go out with my friends on the weekend and this wasn't really happening.
There was a lot of yelling but then you got over the arguments much faster because you had to. Sometimes I would get to the point where I would just shut myself away in my room.
Did people assume that the only thing you were feeling was just sadness about your mum?
Definitely, and the thing is that you experience so much more than that. Sometimes you can really feel guilty about the way you're feeling and it's hard to deal with all the emotiions you do experience because you do feel sad, but there is also anger and frustration. People don't understand the number of emotions you could be feeling at any one time. For example, I'd get frustrated that I couldn't go out with my friends and I would get really angry about it, irrationally angry at times and then when I would realise what I was doing, I would turn around and see, it's not my mum's fault she is sick, you know, she doesn't want to be this way. If it was up to her she would be taking me anywhere I wanted to go, so then you feel guilty that you are being so selfish.
What are some of the positive outcomes to come out of your experience of living with a parent with cancer?
I am definitely a much stronger person now and much more independent because I had to learn to deal with things on my own and deal with much more serious issues than most 13 year olds would have had to cope with.
So what advice would you give to other young people who are going through a similar experience?
Definitely to talk to people about it, it doesn't matter who it is or how old they are. I would recommend that they visit the myparentscancer.com.au website. This resource was not available when my mum was first diagnosed and I wish it was. There was a lack of information out there to help young people who are coping with a parent with cancer and this website is written by young people for young people so you can relate to the information really well. There is also Canteen, they have groups to help young people who have a sibling or a parent with cancer. I would also suggest that you write about your experiences, contribute your own personal story to websites where others can learn from your experience, or simply write it for yourself because it helps you to understand your feelings and what it is, you're going through.
