“My biggest problem was that I just didn’t know what to say to her. In the end, I said very little. Later, I realise this was the worst thing I could have done.”
What do you say to someone who, out of the blue, has been diagnosed with cancer?
Many men in this situation have admitted that they didn’t know what to say. They were terrified of saying the wrong thing, and upsetting the woman they love. They ended up saying very little. All the evidence suggests that this is the worst thing you can do.
Professional advice suggests you should communicate – as much as possible, more than ever before – with the woman you love. It’s OK to ask her how she is feeling (she wants to know you care). Do this often, if you can. It’s OK, even, to say “I don’t know what to say” (she then at least knows you are feeling and thinking about her). The best advice is to be human – tell her how you are feeling, talk about ways in which she feels you can help and support her most.
As described elsewhere in this website, there are a couple of things it is best not to say. “Don’t worry” sounds reassuring, but is in fact asking the woman you love to do something that is impossible. Of course she is going to worry. So are you. There is something wrong with both of you if you don’t.
How to say it. Sensible, human, as calm as possible, loving, communication – that’s the ticket.
Those of you who are the main carers for the woman you love should also be aware that other men in her life – brothers, uncles, fathers, friends and so on – will be facing exactly the same dilemma. Because you need help in caring for the woman you love, make sure they understand that communicating is extremely important, and that they must overcome not knowing what to say as well.
Understanding small things matter hugely, even if you don’t think they should
Small things can really make a difference, both positively and negatively, to the woman you love while she goes through the ordeal of cancer. Many things are affecting her – the effect of treatment, drugs affecting her mood, maybe depression, and so on. The consequence of all these pressures is that small things that would normally not upset the woman you love, now do. Similarly, small thing you do for her, which would not ordinarily be significantly noticed or commented upon, can bring the woman you love great joy and comfort.
The key thing is to understand that the woman you love is going to react more energetically than usual to lots of small things, and you must be prepared for it, recognise the extra reaction when it occurs, and accept it. There is nothing she can do about it, and there is nothing you can do about it, except make matters worse. The Americans have a word for your tactics here: “Chill”.
Help her by helping yourself
“I hit the bottle to numb the pain and help me cope.”
“He felt as if he couldn’t do anything to help me. He could be there and support me, but he couldn’t actually give me anything or do anything to help me, and he felt really helpless.”
- You probably also need help and support
Ask for help if you’re overwhelmed. This isn’t a sign of weakness. It takes courage to face reality and take control of the situation. Talk to your friends and family. If they can’t relate find people who can. Find out about cancer support groups in your area. If you’re not a talker find other ways to understand what you are going through. Write them down. - Make sure you take time to recharge your batteries
Take time out to recharge your batteries. Look upon it as ‘filling the petrol tank’ rather than trying to run on ‘empty’. Women often worry about their partner and it is in fact a great relief for them to see him having a break. There is also some evidence that having some ‘normal’ things in your life helps. - Talking generally helps make it better, not worse
“I should have spoken more…should have let her know it’s OK to talk.”
Talking is a healthy way of dealing with bad news. Open up the subject for discussion. Talk about thoughts, feelings and fears. Some people will feel uncomfortable broaching the subject. Bring it up with them. Let them know you need to talk about it. Acknowledge the impact this has on your life.
“Talking about this helped us to come to terms with what was happening. We also faced the fact that breast cancer was something we had no control over.” - Active coping not positive ignorance
You may worry that if you are not being positive and strong, she may take longer to recover. There is no consistent evidence that this is the case. Keeping all the concerns to yourself adds to the burden. There is also evidence that active coping (i.e. thinking things through, getting information and talking) helps, and avoidance of issues is associated with more distress. - Monitor your relationship
Acknowledge the difficulties you are facing. If you were having problems with your relationship before, they will be magnified by the stress you are under. The same goes for work or social problems. Issues don’t disappear with diagnosis. Be as active (not passive) in thinking through and solving problems as you can. When in doubt – get a second opinion.
